Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me