“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
You Might Also Like
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Today’s Times
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER