Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
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I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Huge, if true.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”