After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!