If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
You Might Also Like
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.