[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
You Might Also Like
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe