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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.