[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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