We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
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MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
This meal prepping shit easy
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window