Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas