Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
You Might Also Like
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
The French word for sex is croissant.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’