According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Based Erika
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.