This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
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Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!