Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Guantanamo Bae
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!