doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.