My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first