Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
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Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.