[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”