Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
tell em, edith-anne
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.