2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
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Heroic Misunderstanding
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
#polloftheday
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
FRED: right
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Just why bro?!
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard