GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
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Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
nyc:
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Happy thanksgiving!
Ugh but profoundly
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock