I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I am having an out of money experience.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher