The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window