Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.