Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
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As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
welcome back
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles