Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
pictures of spider-man
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people