Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*