Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
You Might Also Like
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.