Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
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Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
idk what he going thru but i feel him
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Where is your GOD now????
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Happy Febuary everyone!