[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I think about this a lot
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.