Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
You Might Also Like
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
it must be school picture day
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here