Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
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me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.