Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste