I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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Google assistant rules
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.