Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
How can I say no to this ?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.