GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
WHO DID THIS?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
can’t catch a break
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses