The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
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Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Just me and my debit card against the world
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps