ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
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What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.