I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
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This 4th of July, please remember…
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
me: my friends:
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that