11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
necessity is the mother of invention
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.