*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
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The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood