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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
i wish we could shoplift online
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus