13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
fired
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture