ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
You Might Also Like
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
They’re the worst 😩
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.