“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.