When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
You Might Also Like
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
me when the borders lift
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.