“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
The Assassin.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.