me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Pizza is an emotion right?
A dad and his duck
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.