Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
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Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.