It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
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My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
wishing you and yours all the best
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”